Real teachers are medical marvels. Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders and kidneys.

They have eyes in the backs of their heads and the preternatural ability to hear someone in the class whispering. Real teachers have stiff necks from writing on the blackboard while keeping their eyes on their students.

They are immune to the smells of collective bad breath and throw-up, kids' viruses, and the sound of chalk squeaking across a blackboard. Real teachers are able to memorize thirty-six names (including nicknames) within the first week of school. Real teachers often remember your name at a twenty-fifth class reunion (and you remember theirs!).

Real teachers learn to inhale their lunch in as little as three minutes. Real teachers are able to consume anything left over in the teachers' room.

Real teachers know that the first class disruption they see is probably the second one that has occurred.

Excerpted from Richard Lederer's A Treasury for Teachers (Howard Books), to be published in July 2010. You can e-mail the author at richard.lederer@pobox.com and explore his Web site at www.verbivore.com.